It was a long night...yea a night of splendor, celebrations, lights, sounds and laughter....nevertheless a long night. I was dancing and chatting and entertaining my guests in all possible ways....trying in every possible way to fight against the darkness and emptiness beating so dangerously close to my heart....darkness which rises with every passing hour and every passing day... a darkness threatening to destroy every single thing I hold close....steal away every single person I can't live without.
The music kept swirling its essence around, and slowly the drums starting resembling my footsteps, the flutes vocalizing my arms, the strings rhyming one as my heart and the saxophones dictating my mind.....i wanted to lose it and i was losing it. These few moments of pleasure...times when I forget everything and everyone around me...times when I am a stranger to everyone around me and yet i am filled with the sense of deepest self. Music controlling my moves....leading me away in a trance....when I am away from all the pain and all those haunting memories....when I become a child once again...carefree, joyous and happy!
Someone calls out my name and the magic ends. Once again I am susceptible to that familiar chill, yet again I am vulnerable to that dark loneliness. But then again I am getting used to it now....its been a long time after all! It took me a while but finally I have created two worlds...two very different and disparate worlds separated by a wall of acceptance and reality... a wall of mortal facts and immortal emotions. You can consider these two worlds as real as possible like anyone else's .... but at the same time you can find them to be mere ramblings of my fantastical self. My world of reality is based on practical facts and figures....including a full time and high paying job, a great family back home, their hopes and dreams unto me, and some really good friends who have more or less always been around. Though their understanding words or sympathetic shoulders do not take away the pain....but their mere presence and the fact that such normality still exists; gives me hope that one fine day things will definitely be better. This is a world of real time facts and tough as it might be, it still keeps me moving and living every single day. The other world is a private one....it is full of love and longing; arguments and hatred; restlessness and failure; tears and immense pain.... can't explain this world of mine, its arcane and pensive, it futile and brittle, its a world where I don't need to explain or pretend, where I can just lie down and rest in my realities.
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the edge of a precipice...balancing my life and its equations protected in a very delicate crystal shield....scared to think about the consequences of an evident fall; trying hard to ignore the choking screams and premonitions my conscious keeps sending my way. I always believed I was born tough, nurtured for strength and bigger things, to protect and care for others...to follow my path to destiny whatever may come! I wasn't meant to hurt like this or be weak like this....wonder how did I land up this way! Nevertheless I am still fighting to find my way through this haze, this eventuality...praying to God...with all the faith in my heart to help me through this falling apart...help me live again, smile again completely and heart fully and to stop this slow death. Hopefully one day I will find my peace and regain my mouthful of sky!
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Superb writeup! Make quite compelling case for this book n movie....keep writing!
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