The Darkness I feel inside

Arousing me, tearing me open wide
It is the darkness i feel inside
Confusing and confounding, leading to misguide
It is the darkness I feel inside

Tempting and alluring
Calling me into the endless night
Sightless and silent
Reckoning to trap without giving a chance to fight
Colder than ice and slier than disguise
I can sense the scarlet glow in thy eye
Sharper than the blade, mercilessly strong
Threatening to pounce in the blink of an eye

Following me unawares, fruitlessly I hide
It is the darkness I feel inside


Vivid and attractive
An aroma, my darkest desires unfolds
Innocent yet seductive
Clueless about the fate for me it holds
From the depths of the forest soil
And the soft whispers of the passing wind
From the smell of burning wood
And the waters from the flowing brook

Creeping through a shape, like a shadow I glide
It is the darkness I feel inside


Seamless and surrounded
Feel its presence wherever may I run
Mesmerized and astounded
I stand transfixed, hypnotized by the demon

Hands of greed and taste of lust
Amber of anger reflected in thy soul
Beautiful and strong the stranger descends
Shattering to pieces, never again to be whole

It breathes through my ears and I helplessly abide
It is the darkness I feel inside


Constant and never-ending
A sin, a falsified myth come true
Seeping and defiling
A liquid poison happening to engulf you
Cornered in dismay, hungry and cold
Forced to give up to cajoling and deceiving lies
A tiger's growl and a snake's slither
Forbidden help, I listen as my heart cries 

A familiar ghost within my mind difficult to be espied
It is the darkness I feel inside


Arousing me, tearing me open wide
It is the darkness i feel inside
Tempting me, strong as the highest tide
It is the darkness i feel inside
Bewitching me, snatching remnants of every pride
It is the darkness i feel inside
Violating me, against death and decay I collide
It is the darkness i feel inside

Confusing and confounding, leading to misguide
It is the darkness I feel inside

Am I still loving you?

Now the rhythm is gone and music is all lost
Feels like a Christmas eve with neither bells nor frost
But I find myself hoping the days ahead brings life anew
Am i still waiting for you?


No this waiting is still not enough
As if the journey wasn't already too rough
The pain in my heart ain't nothing compared to you
Am i still living a lie for you?


In a crowd of loneliness and a sea of tears
Engulfed in pretensions and consequences of fears
No way out of this demise, these endless days of blue
Am I still crying my eyes for you?


Mumbling in my dreams, screaming your name
Too tired to decide wherein lies the blame
The battle never stopped, the wounds they forever grew
Am i still willing to die for you?


Every certainty shred, my consciousness baffled
Mind in a void, my body paralyzed and thoughts so mangled
Whatever may I pretend otherwise, still not over you
Am I still loving you?


Can't be with, but can't live without you
Am I still loving you?

My Holy cup of Sin!

There I go raising a toast to my holy cup of sin
There it shows rising above facades, moving against thick & thin
I push through the act, enacting this life scene by scene
shadowing the guilt burden, suppressing the antagonist within

For each lamenting overtone
For each serenading pretense
For each deceived semblance
For each feigned charade

There I go raising a toast to my holy cup of sin
There it shows rising above facades, moving against thick & thin



Flying on borrowed wings
thankless and shameless, I fly so high
Playing games with fate
soulless and spiritless, I pride my wins

I know its all lies
I know it hides a few cries
Oh! I must repent, should be sorry for things I've done
Oh! I must be bold, to accept the wrongs hidden too long

But there I go once again being selfish and mean
There the lies rest again, camouflaged so beautifully white & clean
There I go raising a toast to my holy cup of sin
There it shows rising above facades, moving against thick & thin



Running after obsessive dreams
breathless and lifeless, I fail to realize
Sailing through the shores
clueless and aimless, I fight against the winds

I know its all so vain
I know its just madness insane
Oh! I must stop, before its too late to repair
Oh! I must confess, mouth an apologetic prayer

But there I go hiding behind a pretentious grin
There goes all morality, failing to penetrate this impervious skin
There I go raising a toast to my holy cup of sin
There it shows rising above facades, moving against thick & thin



To the sinner in each of us

Every Teardrop is a waterfall

Its not a scar you can caress and cajole
I see my life spinning in a black hole
Still trying to hold on, nevertheless I will fall
Every teardrop is a waterfall


I have shut the insane world outside
Shun away love, life, misery and pride
Still trying to forget, nevertheless I do recall
Every teardrop is a waterfall


Caught in a gap between two trapeze
Stuck in the black, no feel of a breeze
Still trying to hide, nevertheless visible to all
Every teardrop is a waterfall


I cast away all that I carry and wear
Beneath my smile the hollowness to bare
Still trying to change, nevertheless hurdles so tall
Every teardrop is a waterfall


Lost in thoughts and lost in time
Never understanding how fates intertwine
Still trying to entangle, nevertheless its a free fall
Every teardrop is a waterfall


Broken and burnt, helpless and hurt
Picking the ashes for residues from the start
Still trying to grow up, nevertheless I feel so small
Every teardrop is a waterfall


Hatred and anger, despair and pain
Screaming in the misery of hopelessness again
Trying to be silent, nevertheless I speak up to call
Every teardrop is a waterfall


With eyes bleeding, ready to sink and drown
Punishing my heart, want it to break down
Trying to stand up, nevertheless I can hardly crawl
Every teardrop is a waterfall

Hero?

My heart ponders upon this unexpected bliss

It sours to the sky,  dives deep into the abyss

What if the rights I feel never make my leaps as strong?

What if the truths I learn push me towards the wrong?

My thoughts are pensive staring at it all over again

It still reaches for the ecstasy, Oh! I cannot restrain

What if the dreams I see, won’t shine the dark I hold?

What if the songs I hear, won’t say what needs be told?

My reasons acquit and accuse, making no sense to call

May be the arguments I make, aren’t comprehensive at all

What if the lies I live, come haunting back someday?

What if the fear within, keeps mocking so everyday?

My choices lay bare, sparing me no camouflage

The faces I wear just making up for a pretty entourage

So what if the stories to share, go forever untold!

So what if I ain’t the Hero, just a juvenile trying to be bold!

~To the Hero in all of us

Gadgets, Gadgets, Gadgets!!! Really?

Just like so many other software professionals, I like gadgets, I love my laptop...I almost sleep with it every night (please don't get ideas :P), I am over-possessive about my cellphone (can u imagine that I carry it even while having a bath...) and of course I cant live without my i-pod (it is essential for survival right !). Be it office or home you will always find me hitting a key or two on these electronic delights which fill my otherwise dull and boring life with work, music and communication. Yes... communication that is the key.

Well our parents would communicate with their friends and families face-to-face at home, in office, tea parties, get-togethers and all; but we...well we communicate through cellphones, short messaging services, google and yahoo chats, voice mails, video chats, emails and community forums.... well whats so wrong with that! Our ancestors would communicate with their neighborhood, community, their cities and towns by exploring; but we....well we explore them on search engines and google maps. Our parents took us to gardens, parks, zoos and sanctuaries to see wild life and nature; but we....well we give our kids encyclopedias, books and television channels to know about them. I spent my childhood playing on the school grounds and the huge lusciously green park in my colony with friends, cycling, skating, swimming in pools; but my kids...well they will spend their childhood with the television set, their X-box & gaming consoles, laptops and music systems. Now what is the big deal...what is wrong in this change....its okay right? isn't it alright? Or is it?  Is this change really all okay? Isn't this question the most important and the most difficult one to answer at the same time?

Many a times I find myself questioning my very own fad with devices, gadgets, my electronic world. My heart keeps asking to open up and take a walk beyond these convenience appliances and get real ...really REAL. It keeps blaming me for stealing away from the next generation all the beautiful heaven made gifts which God blessed us with,..replacing them with man-made modern devices and leisure.
All of us....i think we all have a responsibility to preserve this earth...i know we have already eroded and damaged it to some point which is beyond repair. We have chagrined it for our selfish reasons, left it barren and charred with our self-centered human manifestations, tried to change the laws of nature to an extent which caused it to retaliate without understanding that we are reaping the same thorny bushes we ourselves have sown throughout these years.  Each one of us....also have the responsibility to make sure that our children and their generations to come don't blame us for snatching away their chance to experience the bliss and the heavenly divinities which ought to be their birth right. Its our responsibility to stop the remaining portion of this earth to grow into another cement and steel jungle and to restore back some of its glory back to their original self.

But, honestly speaking who cares....me? you? any of us? do we really care? do we ourselves understand what we are missing? what the future generations to come would miss one day? do we know? No! We don't know and honestly speaking a very few of us care to know. Just try visiting a calm and serene place someday, may be go for a mountain trek, or a riverside walk, visit a sanctuary or take a forest safari...and then may be we can start to understand...to feel and experience the calm, the freshness, the serenity and the divinity. As far as I am concerned...it does affects me. When I look closely I can actually see all the colors of rainbow around the setting sun on a lonely hill,.. listen to the intimate whispers of innumerable creatures dwelling their little busy lives in colonies on the banks of a descant lake,.. smell the fresh essence of unadulterated freedom in the aroma of the flowing wind,...taste the delicious sweetness of the morning dew,.....and feel the blessedness of divinity within my very soul. It may sound like a aleatoric encounter or a linguistic rhetoric, but believe me its so true...at least for me, just give it a try and you will know for yourself. Just show a little care towards the world and I can promise that one does get rewarded in return with much more. Try a  little tenderness, a small step towards reaching out a helpful hand to the mute planet, a little kindness in our hearts for the people around us, a little thought about the gift we shall be leaving for the future of mankind....and believe me we will all be rewarded.

From gadgets to very heart,...I guess we had a long talk :). Just so that all this conversation doesn't gets lost in the plethora of action items i ought to complete every day (remember i am a s/w gal after all), I will try to be thankful for all I have today and will definitely try to preserve all that I can for tomorrow and will urge all of you to do so... the smallest we can do is start appreciating! Keep loving your gadgets but try to love this world a bit more.

Himalayas - The Mountain God

Some of you might know about my latest endeavor in the Himalayas - The Doon Valley in the Uttar Kashi district of Uttaranchal was truly a humbling experience!
Loosely translated Him-Alay means the snow ranges; pretty accurate right! Tried to capture my ecstasy in the following line...hope you shall enjoy :-)


Snow-clapped peaks of the mountains beckons me into its arm
Lucious waters from the stream seduces with a graceful charm

Frosted ice carvings from the night making merry in the early sun
And your heart leaps out singing so gay; breaking into a joyful run

Sounds of the dark so profound; lulls me in a dreamless sleep
Later I find my mornings; staring at the greenest valley...so deep

Trees can talk here...they call me by unknown whispering names
Birds and foxes speak through the wind...engaging me in their playful games

Stones from the pavement reciting their tales so forgotten and lost
The Heavens above wink at me; I blush as I rejoice in my wanderlust!

I cannot imagine a greater joy, a better peace or a bigger smile
And suddenly you wonder; have you been dreaming all this while!

Aint no matter you be prince or a pauper, a simpleton or wise
My heart is full...alas I am beholding a breath-taking paradise!

Aint no matter be it the beginning of times or the end of my days
My heart is full...mother nature blessed me with a starkling paradise!



Log Mandir jaate hai, Masjid jaate hai, Church aur Gurudware jaate hai
Mujhe jab Khuda ki yaad aati hai...tab main Himalay chali jaati hoon!
~Sucheta